There are plenty of non-written social rules you need to accomplish to fit as a “normal person”. Your mind, thoughts and decisions must be one way or another; your choices and actions, coherent; your judgments, fair and judicious.
That is so beautiful. And perhaps, it fits for most of the people but, when your mind works different, when it’s difficult for you to control compulsive thoughts or obsessive rituals, when you are sensitive in other ways. When you spend your nights awake and your days exhausted. When you need certain things to release your mind, sometimes, you just can’t find your place, and torture yourself for not being what you are “supposed” to.
Some people around you will love you just the way you are, others, will blame you because they can’t understand (most of them). The rest, will disappear. But you are your worst enemy, and this contradiction keeps you always on fight against yourself, which doesn’t let you go ahead with your life in a happy way. Doubts, guilty and sadness follow you everywhere as loyal emotions, always ready to ruin your relations and situations. You want to be good enough, but you don’t get there and don’t even know why. Just, the rock on your shoulders grows and grows and you just get used to it.
As you get older, and start finding the right (few) people in your life, you realize a lot of people like you exist. For different reasons and experiences, but they are there too. Sometimes, you are lucky enough as to find someone who, knowing it or not, works for you as a guide, and it only takes to change a thought to realize, you are just beautiful the way you are. As you are able to love, share and be a good person, you are amazing as any other soul out there. All your pain comes right from prejudices which slowly broke you into pieces. Self-steem is a very delicate thing in a cactus field. And once your mind takes determined routes since you are a kid, it’s very complicated to change them. But not impossible.
You must learn to love yourself from the beginning. Yes, all over again, as when you learnt to read. Forgive all your mistakes, understand them, forgive everyone who didn’t, and go on with your life just the way you need it. And first of all, accept yourself just the way you are, with your good things and the bad ones, with your anxiety, obsessions, sleepless nights, fears, ghosts, compulsions, rituals and ways out. You are still a wonderful soul looking for your place, lost perhaps, needing an anchor to hold on to, but yet a little mess wanting to share the kind of love only you can offer, in all ways.
My first advice for the little lost souls is, surround yourself with people similar to you, so you can create a small “comfort zone” where to start working from. Someone to talk to without being judged. Find the little things that make you feel realized, complete and proud (no matter how small they are) and use them as tools to go through your day.
Nowadays you hear everybody say “be brave! leave your comfort zone!” and it’s amazing, but only if you have your mind controlled first. You need to be the owner of your thoughts and feelings before you jump the cliff. Do not obsess with goals, just, step by step. It’s OK, you’re doing great.
Be proud, be proud of your personal successes and never compare yourself to another one, because the greatness of the soul is not measured in terrenal units. Sometimes, being able to make another broken person smile or make them feel supported, is greater than any other material success in life. Never bring you down, give yourself credit, because the light of your spirit is willing to spread as brighter as any other one, and the cover (where all your fears and traumas remain) is only a layer over a perfect, loving, beautiful being, able to love and be loved.
Do what is good for you. You specially need your space, your time, your silence. Take it, tell the others and make them understand. It’s OK, it’s perfectly fine to have different needs. Who won’t understand, you don’t need them in your life. Just exercise your response to those, you need only to forgive and smile. You have the right to be happy your own way, and when you start realizing that, the right people will appear in your life, attracted by your good energy. And never forget to help who needs you, because as you are, you will find lost people along the way. Never forget how broke you were, and focus your knowledge and experience on something positive, strong and good for the rest.
You are just, perfect.